You just made me feel so damn special
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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