I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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