she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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