I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
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