I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize