and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
