I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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