im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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