Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
vagina is talking i cant
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
