I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
