if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
