There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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