my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
