Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
