i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
