thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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