I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
