you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
