so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
