I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
