I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
