dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
