Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
