I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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