I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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