If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
