I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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