I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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