he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
