I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's official drugs can't kill me
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
