my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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