god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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