hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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