I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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