I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
