i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
