Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
