my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
