It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
