I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
