When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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