i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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