you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
