two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
