I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
