Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
