once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
