Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
