Christians are straight up FREAKS
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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