ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
