If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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