soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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