just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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