The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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