You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
