these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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