i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
