the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
