he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
