i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
