I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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