She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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