Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
