actually, I'm a sock model
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
