Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
