I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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