i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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