my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
