I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She's the barista slut.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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