The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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