If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i already hear my dad disowning me
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
